Sunday, April 29, 2007
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
My Struggles with an Omniscient God
So as you may know, i've given up the internet during the school week, so if you're wondering why i'm posting this, i have decided my blog is fair game. i'm thinking, writing, expressing, not just rotting my mind away the way i usually do online. yay, rationalization. (email is also permitted, so if you need to contact me, that's the way to do so)
anyways, back on topic...
so the bible teaches us that God knows everything, our every word, action, thought. my reaction: uh oh. seriously, i'll think something and then think "wow, i wish God couldn't hear that" and then nearly hit myself on the head and think "garr, i wish he couldn't hear that either!" there's no putting up fronts from him, no hiding behind omission or a quick change of topic. no thought is safe, not even the wishing they were.
yesterday, God showed me really He could put that knowledge to use. I was walking down the stairs about to go on the computer and be tempted when my friend called to invite me over to watch Heroes with her. I was caught in the temptation, shifty eyed and yearning. But i went, fled the scene. Then i got home and the laptop was just lying around, so i picked it up and took it upstairs with me, with every intention of simply checking my email. But it wouldnt turn on, the battery was completely dead. sigh. In that moment i wished that God would just let me be tempted, but now I am glad he didnt.. i'm getting stronger. Today I only gave myself ten minutes (which is why this blog may seem rushed and incoherent) before House starts, which is enough motive for me to leave and stay away.
God bless, <3
anyways, back on topic...
so the bible teaches us that God knows everything, our every word, action, thought. my reaction: uh oh. seriously, i'll think something and then think "wow, i wish God couldn't hear that" and then nearly hit myself on the head and think "garr, i wish he couldn't hear that either!" there's no putting up fronts from him, no hiding behind omission or a quick change of topic. no thought is safe, not even the wishing they were.
yesterday, God showed me really He could put that knowledge to use. I was walking down the stairs about to go on the computer and be tempted when my friend called to invite me over to watch Heroes with her. I was caught in the temptation, shifty eyed and yearning. But i went, fled the scene. Then i got home and the laptop was just lying around, so i picked it up and took it upstairs with me, with every intention of simply checking my email. But it wouldnt turn on, the battery was completely dead. sigh. In that moment i wished that God would just let me be tempted, but now I am glad he didnt.. i'm getting stronger. Today I only gave myself ten minutes (which is why this blog may seem rushed and incoherent) before House starts, which is enough motive for me to leave and stay away.
God bless, <3
Friday, April 20, 2007
Seeking the Superlative
We, or at least I, live in a world full of superlatives. They are everywhere, you can't avoid them even if you want to.
I can't even do those stupid myspace surveys half the time anymore, and forget those top eight ones! Because without a doubt they will ask why my #1 is #1, and i don't have an answer. I haven't had a reason in a long time now (this is also why my top 8 is and may always be hidden). But anyways, not getting distracted by the rant that could be myspace... Everyone is running around for the top priority in their life, be it BFF or bf/gf (which these days seems to have the superlative built in, which is also a rant for another time), everyone is looking for those people they know they can count on for anything, anywhere, anytime. Close friends aren't enough, nor good friends or people in your clique or group or whatever. There's always that one labeled "best".
It's silly, yes, but don't think I'm preaching against, because I'm not. In fact, I long to have that sort of security in someone. It's not that my close friends aren't wonderful or supportive, but these days it somehow isn't enough. I don't know why having the label would make me feel any better, in fact i guess it wouldn't, because she currently has the label for lack of someone else, and obviously that doesn't reassure me at all. She can't even bother to keep her simple promises (or even at least know better than to promise things she wont keep), I sure am not going to call her just because i feel sad or lonely.
As selfish as it is, I want to be someone's top priority. I want to be valuable and worthwhile to someone. Right now i feel like i'm stuck in no-man's land or something. More than just an acquaintance, but no one's top. I know it's juvenile and childish but i miss that security.
I can't even do those stupid myspace surveys half the time anymore, and forget those top eight ones! Because without a doubt they will ask why my #1 is #1, and i don't have an answer. I haven't had a reason in a long time now (this is also why my top 8 is and may always be hidden). But anyways, not getting distracted by the rant that could be myspace... Everyone is running around for the top priority in their life, be it BFF or bf/gf (which these days seems to have the superlative built in, which is also a rant for another time), everyone is looking for those people they know they can count on for anything, anywhere, anytime. Close friends aren't enough, nor good friends or people in your clique or group or whatever. There's always that one labeled "best".
It's silly, yes, but don't think I'm preaching against, because I'm not. In fact, I long to have that sort of security in someone. It's not that my close friends aren't wonderful or supportive, but these days it somehow isn't enough. I don't know why having the label would make me feel any better, in fact i guess it wouldn't, because she currently has the label for lack of someone else, and obviously that doesn't reassure me at all. She can't even bother to keep her simple promises (or even at least know better than to promise things she wont keep), I sure am not going to call her just because i feel sad or lonely.
As selfish as it is, I want to be someone's top priority. I want to be valuable and worthwhile to someone. Right now i feel like i'm stuck in no-man's land or something. More than just an acquaintance, but no one's top. I know it's juvenile and childish but i miss that security.
Friday, April 06, 2007
A Despised Word
The first cd i ever owned was by a man by the name of Steven Curtis Chapman. I must admit that i dont listen to him very much anymore, but i probably should. But anyways, tonight i was reminded by something in one of his songs
"never did like the word mediocre
never wanted it to be said of me
[...]So what is this thing i see
going on inside of me?
when it comes to the grace of God.."
i really do hate the idea of being mediocre, even the Bible instructs us to be either hot or cold, not lukewarm.
God wants us to give our lives to him. All of it. Not just a part here and there. Not just half an hour in my down time. Certainly not the last five minutes of my night before i fall dead asleep.
Spring break is a wonderful thing, and i love it dearly, however it throws off my entire schedule. I had made the decision to move my prayer & Bible time up from the last minutes of the day to right after i get home from school. However, when i'm not in school everything becomes very wishy washy and just whenever i feel like doing things. Sadly, i'm still not at the point where i really desire to read, especially since i'm in the part of Joshua where they are dividing up the land, not a thriller.
I want to be able to stick to it. I was talking to my friend today about "let your yes be yes and your no be no". Make a decision and stick to it. I hate decisions. I hate committing to things. However, some things are important, and are worth sticking to. I dont want to be mediocre, lukewarm or sporadic. I want to be committed to my God whose love i can hardly begin to understand. I want to give my whole life over to Him. I want to truly be able to give it entirely to Him.
"never did like the word mediocre
never wanted it to be said of me
[...]So what is this thing i see
going on inside of me?
when it comes to the grace of God.."
i really do hate the idea of being mediocre, even the Bible instructs us to be either hot or cold, not lukewarm.
God wants us to give our lives to him. All of it. Not just a part here and there. Not just half an hour in my down time. Certainly not the last five minutes of my night before i fall dead asleep.
Spring break is a wonderful thing, and i love it dearly, however it throws off my entire schedule. I had made the decision to move my prayer & Bible time up from the last minutes of the day to right after i get home from school. However, when i'm not in school everything becomes very wishy washy and just whenever i feel like doing things. Sadly, i'm still not at the point where i really desire to read, especially since i'm in the part of Joshua where they are dividing up the land, not a thriller.
I want to be able to stick to it. I was talking to my friend today about "let your yes be yes and your no be no". Make a decision and stick to it. I hate decisions. I hate committing to things. However, some things are important, and are worth sticking to. I dont want to be mediocre, lukewarm or sporadic. I want to be committed to my God whose love i can hardly begin to understand. I want to give my whole life over to Him. I want to truly be able to give it entirely to Him.
