Awaken. July '06

I went into the summer doubtful of and discouraged with my faith. I believed that God exists, but somewhere between my brain and my heart there was a link or two missing. I felt that i was doing fine without God, and the things that weren't fine, God couldn't (or wouldn't) fix those anyways... that i was on my own.
However, as i had been in this state for a while, i was also growing frustrated with it. It scared me how little i cared about something that used to be so important to me. So i began to pray that God would restore the fire to me. For a while i felt that i was getting no response, no change. This frustrated me even more, and i considered giving up.
Finally it was time for my favorite week of the year, Harvey Cedars. Spending a week with my best friends and the youth group at a camp on the beach. I was also going with the determination to get back on track with God.
So then tuesday evening i was on the docks with my best friend Diana (except that recently it was name only we hadn't been talking much... no fight or anything just drifting apart). There we were on the dock, and we started talking about all our doubts, and how much we wanted a sign from God. It was funny, because even after a year without much communication we were still on practically the same page. We were both doubtful and cynical so we also both agreed that the sign had to be noticeable. We didnt want something super subtle where we'd be reading into everything, "oooh look a piece of seaweed touched my foot, God must be real!" So i prayed about it. Also the theme for the week was spiritual "awakening" which was pretty much what we needed.
Then the next day we were sitting in chapel, and for no real reason i wrote under the "Awaken" logo "i believe God is going to do something amazing this week". It was pure impulse, i had no reason why. When i showed Diana she kinda gave me a "what are you doing? ok whatever..." look. So then i was thinking about signs, and random ideas were just floating through my head and one of them was "i'll get into a theological discussion with Zach"... Now i knew Zach was definitly capable of theological thought, but its not something we ever did. My friends and i always did that whole friendly fighting thing with him (well except sometimes i think his temper made him want to kill us, but whatever) the point was that it was something that wasnt impossible but not likely.
Later on wednesday, the speaker said something (in all honesty i don't even remember what) but for the first time in a while i actually FELT something. It wasn't big or huge but it was SOMETHING. Finally. On thursday he had us write our dreams, the things we want most in the world, on a picture of an alabaster box. He asked if these things are a barrier between us and God's will, which got us all in a pensive mood. A while later that night, i walked out and i saw Diana, Zach and Caleb talking which wasnt unusual and always fun so i went to join them. I got there and Zach and Caleb are absolutely on fire (there's a lot of back story there, but thats their stories). They were super excited and they were talking to Diana, and as i listen i find that they are talking about, and addressing the EXACT things that Diana and i were talking about tuesday night. Sometimes EXACT WORDS in fact. At one point i looked at Diana and asked "did you tell them what we were talking about?" and she said no. They answered all our questions and Diana had asked God for 10 easy steps, and the guys gave us four. They talked about when you feel distant from God and everything...Diana and I were were instantaneously filled with excitement.
Sadly at that point the go-to-your-room bell rang and we had to split up, but there were promises of talking more later. Diana and i went to girl's devotions where we did a fair amount of conversation hijacking, but we were so excited! We wanted everyone to see how amazingly God had worked everything out. It still blows my mind just thinking about it!

in those summer nights i love life

edit: i need to forgive...

in these summer nights, i hate myself more than ever.