I'm sorry for how far away i've been. I'm sorry i want to talk to everyone more than you. For how much i avoid you. If you didn't love me unconditionally, there's no doubt in my mind that you would have gotten frustrated with me by now, that you would have left, just like so many others i've driven away. Like so many others i miss achingly. Why haven't i missed you that way? Part of it is that you have not abandonned me (and never will) but i fear that the other part is that i never allowed you to be close enough to me for me to notice when i drift off.
It scares me how little i cared, perhaps how little i care. I'm so set on doing things on my own, i rarely even give you a chance. I love to be in control, but the truth of the matter is that i'm flawed and i make mistakes no matter how perfectionalistically i try. That also worries me, that i can try so hard and still mess up, still fail.
I have this perfectionistic thing so engraved in my mind that letting go of control is nearly impossible for me.
But then again i can't take this stress, this lonelyness. I know you can and will take care of me. And i want to be taken care of. Please, please give me faith. My world is cold and dull without it.

i miss You.

Naive Orleans

And i finally found that life goes on without you
and my world still turns when you're not around...

I just wanted a place where my thoughts were less tied to me as a person.where they can roam and i can post freely without worry...and so with this, a new blog begins.