Dismantled. Repair?

this is my honesty.
and honestly, i haven't a clue where this is headed, or what i will end up saying. but i'm just saying it. .. to the wide world of empty internet. here goes:

the world frustrates me. it's so inconsistent, which is probably a terribly hypocritical thing for me to say, but it's true. things in life wouldnt bother me nearly as much if they were consistent. especially words with actions, but even consistent in words and consistent within actions. i generally have the stance that i dont care if someone is lying to me, as long as i dont find out. it's not the lying that hurts, its the the discovering that you've been lied to. the problem with this stance is that people arent nearly consistent enough to pull it off correctly. the truth comes out, the actions contradict the words, whatever it may be. that's what hurts.

the obvious solution? loosen up. it's really not such a big deal. chill out. the world is not all about me, or what i want or even how i feel. it's just not. which is beyond just as well. but further than that, i think i need to discover the inconsistencies in my own life and behavior. let's face it, they're there. do i really want to look for them? no, not at all, but i think it would help make me a better person as well as see more of the good in others, rather than getting hung up on little inconsistencies. what good does me getting hurt and bitter do me? and even more importantly, what good does it do anyone else? nothing. get rid of it.

someone has suggested learning to better love when i dont feel loved. it's sad that sometimes my love is as conditional as it is. can that even really be called love? i really don't know, i cant even pretend to begin to understand it at all.

(dismantle me down)
i need to get rid of all these hang ups and barriers
(repair)
and start all anew

"Brains or Beauty?"

was the question.
at first i knew my answer "brains, of course"
but the more i think about it, the less sure i am. i like to think that i'm at least fairly intelligent, and it certainly doesnt make me a happy person. sometimes--perhaps even often-- i'd like to be beautiful and so completely clueless and ignorant and have no idea when i'm being used or mistreated or whatever. i'd make the same mistakes over and over, sure, but i already do. at least then it wouldnt upset me as much.

sure, being smart has advantages too
but the more i think about it
the less sure i am
that i'd prefer brains over beauty.
so often
i just want
to feel
beautiful.

Awaken. July '06

I went into the summer doubtful of and discouraged with my faith. I believed that God exists, but somewhere between my brain and my heart there was a link or two missing. I felt that i was doing fine without God, and the things that weren't fine, God couldn't (or wouldn't) fix those anyways... that i was on my own.
However, as i had been in this state for a while, i was also growing frustrated with it. It scared me how little i cared about something that used to be so important to me. So i began to pray that God would restore the fire to me. For a while i felt that i was getting no response, no change. This frustrated me even more, and i considered giving up.
Finally it was time for my favorite week of the year, Harvey Cedars. Spending a week with my best friends and the youth group at a camp on the beach. I was also going with the determination to get back on track with God.
So then tuesday evening i was on the docks with my best friend Diana (except that recently it was name only we hadn't been talking much... no fight or anything just drifting apart). There we were on the dock, and we started talking about all our doubts, and how much we wanted a sign from God. It was funny, because even after a year without much communication we were still on practically the same page. We were both doubtful and cynical so we also both agreed that the sign had to be noticeable. We didnt want something super subtle where we'd be reading into everything, "oooh look a piece of seaweed touched my foot, God must be real!" So i prayed about it. Also the theme for the week was spiritual "awakening" which was pretty much what we needed.
Then the next day we were sitting in chapel, and for no real reason i wrote under the "Awaken" logo "i believe God is going to do something amazing this week". It was pure impulse, i had no reason why. When i showed Diana she kinda gave me a "what are you doing? ok whatever..." look. So then i was thinking about signs, and random ideas were just floating through my head and one of them was "i'll get into a theological discussion with Zach"... Now i knew Zach was definitly capable of theological thought, but its not something we ever did. My friends and i always did that whole friendly fighting thing with him (well except sometimes i think his temper made him want to kill us, but whatever) the point was that it was something that wasnt impossible but not likely.
Later on wednesday, the speaker said something (in all honesty i don't even remember what) but for the first time in a while i actually FELT something. It wasn't big or huge but it was SOMETHING. Finally. On thursday he had us write our dreams, the things we want most in the world, on a picture of an alabaster box. He asked if these things are a barrier between us and God's will, which got us all in a pensive mood. A while later that night, i walked out and i saw Diana, Zach and Caleb talking which wasnt unusual and always fun so i went to join them. I got there and Zach and Caleb are absolutely on fire (there's a lot of back story there, but thats their stories). They were super excited and they were talking to Diana, and as i listen i find that they are talking about, and addressing the EXACT things that Diana and i were talking about tuesday night. Sometimes EXACT WORDS in fact. At one point i looked at Diana and asked "did you tell them what we were talking about?" and she said no. They answered all our questions and Diana had asked God for 10 easy steps, and the guys gave us four. They talked about when you feel distant from God and everything...Diana and I were were instantaneously filled with excitement.
Sadly at that point the go-to-your-room bell rang and we had to split up, but there were promises of talking more later. Diana and i went to girl's devotions where we did a fair amount of conversation hijacking, but we were so excited! We wanted everyone to see how amazingly God had worked everything out. It still blows my mind just thinking about it!

in those summer nights i love life

edit: i need to forgive...

in these summer nights, i hate myself more than ever.

I'm sorry for how far away i've been. I'm sorry i want to talk to everyone more than you. For how much i avoid you. If you didn't love me unconditionally, there's no doubt in my mind that you would have gotten frustrated with me by now, that you would have left, just like so many others i've driven away. Like so many others i miss achingly. Why haven't i missed you that way? Part of it is that you have not abandonned me (and never will) but i fear that the other part is that i never allowed you to be close enough to me for me to notice when i drift off.
It scares me how little i cared, perhaps how little i care. I'm so set on doing things on my own, i rarely even give you a chance. I love to be in control, but the truth of the matter is that i'm flawed and i make mistakes no matter how perfectionalistically i try. That also worries me, that i can try so hard and still mess up, still fail.
I have this perfectionistic thing so engraved in my mind that letting go of control is nearly impossible for me.
But then again i can't take this stress, this lonelyness. I know you can and will take care of me. And i want to be taken care of. Please, please give me faith. My world is cold and dull without it.

i miss You.

Naive Orleans

And i finally found that life goes on without you
and my world still turns when you're not around...

I just wanted a place where my thoughts were less tied to me as a person.where they can roam and i can post freely without worry...and so with this, a new blog begins.