Seeking the Superlative

We, or at least I, live in a world full of superlatives. They are everywhere, you can't avoid them even if you want to.
I can't even do those stupid myspace surveys half the time anymore, and forget those top eight ones! Because without a doubt they will ask why my #1 is #1, and i don't have an answer. I haven't had a reason in a long time now (this is also why my top 8 is and may always be hidden). But anyways, not getting distracted by the rant that could be myspace... Everyone is running around for the top priority in their life, be it BFF or bf/gf (which these days seems to have the superlative built in, which is also a rant for another time), everyone is looking for those people they know they can count on for anything, anywhere, anytime. Close friends aren't enough, nor good friends or people in your clique or group or whatever. There's always that one labeled "best".
It's silly, yes, but don't think I'm preaching against, because I'm not. In fact, I long to have that sort of security in someone. It's not that my close friends aren't wonderful or supportive, but these days it somehow isn't enough. I don't know why having the label would make me feel any better, in fact i guess it wouldn't, because she currently has the label for lack of someone else, and obviously that doesn't reassure me at all. She can't even bother to keep her simple promises (or even at least know better than to promise things she wont keep), I sure am not going to call her just because i feel sad or lonely.
As selfish as it is, I want to be someone's top priority. I want to be valuable and worthwhile to someone. Right now i feel like i'm stuck in no-man's land or something. More than just an acquaintance, but no one's top. I know it's juvenile and childish but i miss that security.

A Despised Word

The first cd i ever owned was by a man by the name of Steven Curtis Chapman. I must admit that i dont listen to him very much anymore, but i probably should. But anyways, tonight i was reminded by something in one of his songs
"never did like the word mediocre
never wanted it to be said of me
[...]So what is this thing i see
going on inside of me?
when it comes to the grace of God.."

i really do hate the idea of being mediocre, even the Bible instructs us to be either hot or cold, not lukewarm.
God wants us to give our lives to him. All of it. Not just a part here and there. Not just half an hour in my down time. Certainly not the last five minutes of my night before i fall dead asleep.
Spring break is a wonderful thing, and i love it dearly, however it throws off my entire schedule. I had made the decision to move my prayer & Bible time up from the last minutes of the day to right after i get home from school. However, when i'm not in school everything becomes very wishy washy and just whenever i feel like doing things. Sadly, i'm still not at the point where i really desire to read, especially since i'm in the part of Joshua where they are dividing up the land, not a thriller.
I want to be able to stick to it. I was talking to my friend today about "let your yes be yes and your no be no". Make a decision and stick to it. I hate decisions. I hate committing to things. However, some things are important, and are worth sticking to. I dont want to be mediocre, lukewarm or sporadic. I want to be committed to my God whose love i can hardly begin to understand. I want to give my whole life over to Him. I want to truly be able to give it entirely to Him.

It was gorgeous outside today, so I decided to walk around the neighborhood a bit. The sun was shining, there was a cool breeze and it was actually warm enough to wear a tshirt.
I was going to spend the time listening to my mp3 player, probably "Fair", but when i turned it on, it kindly informed me that the battery was too low. So i did the next best thing: put my earbuds in anyways so that no one would bother me. I decided that since i was using my Bible/prayer time for this walk, it was appropriate to pray as i walked.
I wandered up and down the streets, talking to God about both the things i always talk about, and some of the things i like to avoid. I asked that he would help me guard my tongue, give me patience and help me rely on him. I prayed for my future husband, and that He would bring us both closer to Him. And I prayed for forgiveness once again for things i know he's forgiven me for, but that i can't forgive myself for and fear my family/other christians may someday find out. God then reminded me that it is His opinion that matters, not their's, so quit worrying about it.
It was all very relaxing, and it was quite depressing to have to come back inside and do the mountains of homework that has piled up. I plan to do this again.

Becoming Beautiful

I finally have a direction for this blog. I don't have the time, energy or ideas to go too into detail now, but this is my journey to become beautiful in character.

From Ian I learned not to trust words.
From Dave I learned not to trust actions either.
From Diana I learned not to trust history.
Now I am learning to trust.







(it's the most difficult one yet)

Dismantled. Repair?

this is my honesty.
and honestly, i haven't a clue where this is headed, or what i will end up saying. but i'm just saying it. .. to the wide world of empty internet. here goes:

the world frustrates me. it's so inconsistent, which is probably a terribly hypocritical thing for me to say, but it's true. things in life wouldnt bother me nearly as much if they were consistent. especially words with actions, but even consistent in words and consistent within actions. i generally have the stance that i dont care if someone is lying to me, as long as i dont find out. it's not the lying that hurts, its the the discovering that you've been lied to. the problem with this stance is that people arent nearly consistent enough to pull it off correctly. the truth comes out, the actions contradict the words, whatever it may be. that's what hurts.

the obvious solution? loosen up. it's really not such a big deal. chill out. the world is not all about me, or what i want or even how i feel. it's just not. which is beyond just as well. but further than that, i think i need to discover the inconsistencies in my own life and behavior. let's face it, they're there. do i really want to look for them? no, not at all, but i think it would help make me a better person as well as see more of the good in others, rather than getting hung up on little inconsistencies. what good does me getting hurt and bitter do me? and even more importantly, what good does it do anyone else? nothing. get rid of it.

someone has suggested learning to better love when i dont feel loved. it's sad that sometimes my love is as conditional as it is. can that even really be called love? i really don't know, i cant even pretend to begin to understand it at all.

(dismantle me down)
i need to get rid of all these hang ups and barriers
(repair)
and start all anew

"Brains or Beauty?"

was the question.
at first i knew my answer "brains, of course"
but the more i think about it, the less sure i am. i like to think that i'm at least fairly intelligent, and it certainly doesnt make me a happy person. sometimes--perhaps even often-- i'd like to be beautiful and so completely clueless and ignorant and have no idea when i'm being used or mistreated or whatever. i'd make the same mistakes over and over, sure, but i already do. at least then it wouldnt upset me as much.

sure, being smart has advantages too
but the more i think about it
the less sure i am
that i'd prefer brains over beauty.
so often
i just want
to feel
beautiful.